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Step 1: CLEAR OUT

WHAT: Fleet Enema
WHEN: 3 days before anal sex

There are approximately as many miles of colon tubing in the adult human female as there are between New York and Tokyo, and every inch has been subjected to a your poo. Unless you’ve previously used an enema, that poo could be as old as you are, my friend! It’s only right to clean it out from time to time--imagine what your bedroom would look like if you never tricked someone into vacuuming it! The first step to using enemas for anal sex is to clear out the lifetime of sin that’s built up in your no-no spot.

The best enema for clearing out all of your you-know-what is the fleet enema. Fleet enemas are also ideal if you ever need to lose a couple of pounds really quick, are feeling constipated, or for some God-awful reason need to go visit butt doctor.

Fleet enemas are the least troubling sort of enema as far as purchasing, preparation and administration goes. First of all, the fleet enema is super cheap--only$1.49 at
enemasupply.com.

Fleet enemas are pre-packaged, disposable, and ready-to-use. You don’t have to mix a solution, figure out how to attach anything, or clean anything out when you are finished (thank God). Also, fleet enemas use such a small amount of liquid solution (usually 4-5 ounces), you hardly even feel it when your squirting it up inside of you--this being opposed to other enemas that pump gallons of solution up your rear and make you feel like you just did a keg stand. If the idea of 4-5 ounces of liquid freaks you out, try starting out with a
children’s fleet enema, which is about 2 ounces.

There is also a product called
Enemeez, which is about the size of a trial tube of lip gloss. But if that’s all you can handle, anal sex with your boyfriend is going to shock the living daylight out of you.

One good thing about the fleet enema is that the nozzle is pre-lubricated and about the size of a finger. However, keep in mind that plastic enema nozzles aren’t the same thing as your college boyfriend’s frat brother’s fingers. There’s no harm in using
extra lubrication on the enema nozzle to help slide that baby in. There’s no such thing as too much lube, anyway. (:

Used for anal sex, fleet enemas work like this: Following the directions included on the box, you squeeze a small amount of saline and salt solution (the juice that’s in the enema bottle) up your rectum and into your colon. Your inner-bum absorbs the salt, and through some chemical reaction I probably should have learned in high school chemistry, the salt gathers up all of the poop from your dirty tubes. Within a few minutes, you’ll feel like you have to go to the bathroom and can’t hold it in for one second longer. Then--
wah-lah!--you go #2 in a serious, serious way and free yourself from those rotten poo particles!

Keep in mind that after you get the old poo out of the nicks and crannies of your intestines, you’re going to be a little raw. It’s comparable to sleeping with your contact lenses on for longer than the recommended period—the foreign object (contact lens or poop) adheres so deeply to its host (eyeball or intestine) that when it is removed, a thin protective layer of skin comes off with it. Putting anything else up your bum in this delicate state can hurt or even harm you. Because of this, it is necessary to plan ahead when scheduling the anal sex and making your way through the 3 Steps. You’ll want to give yourself a few days to heal after both the clear up and the clean out. Plus, you’ll want to give yourself the opportunity to enjoy calming down.

All in all, I’d schedule the anal sex about a week after you begin the enema process. The fact that you went through this incredibly timely investment should be held over your boyfriend’s head for bonus presents next Christmas.

Time to clean up -->