Clear Out

Step 1: CLEAR OUT

WHAT: Cleansing Solution Enema
WHEN: 3 days before anal sex

There are approximately as many miles of colon tubing in the adult human female as there are between New York and Tokyo, and every inch has been subjected to your poo. Unless you’ve previously used an enema, that poo could be as old as you are, my friend! It’s only right to clean it out from time to time–imagine what your bedroom would look like if you never tricked someone into vacuuming it! The first step to using enemas for anal sex is to clear out the lifetime of sin that’s built up in your no-no spot.

The best enema for clearing out all of your you-know-what is Enemeez. Enemeez are also ideal if you ever need to lose a couple of pounds really quick, are feeling constipated, or for some God-awful reason need to go visit butt doctor.

Fleet enemas are the least troubling sort of enema as far as purchasing, preparation and administration goes. Fleet enemas are pre-packaged, disposable, and ready-to-use. You don’t have to mix a solution, figure out how to attach anything, or clean anything out when you are finished (thank God). Also, Enemeez use such a small amount of liquid solution (less than an ounce), you hardly even feel it when your squirting it up inside of you–this being opposed to other enemas that pump gallons of solution up your rear and make you feel like you just did a keg stand.

One good thing about enemeez is that the nozzle is pre-lubricated and about the size of a finger. However, keep in mind that plastic enema nozzles aren’t the same thing as your college boyfriend’s frat brother’s fingers. There’s no harm in using extra lubrication on the enema nozzle to help slide that baby in. There’s no such thing as too much lube, anyway. (:

Used for anal sex, enemeez work like this: Following the directions included on the box, you squeeze a small amount of the solution in the enema tube up your rectum and into your colon. Your inner-bum absorbs the salt, and through some chemical reaction I probably should have learned in high school chemistry, the salt gathers up all of the poop from your dirty tubes. Within a few minutes, you’ll feel like you have to go to the bathroom and can’t hold it in for one second longer. Then–wah-lah!–you go #2 in a serious, serious way and free yourself from those rotten poo particles!

Keep in mind that after you get the old poo out of the nicks and crannies of your intestines, you’re going to be a little raw. It’s comparable to sleeping with your contact lenses on for longer than the recommended period—the foreign object (contact lens or poop) adheres so deeply to its host (eyeball or intestine) that when it is removed, a thin protective layer of skin comes off with it. Putting anything else up your bum in this delicate state can hurt or even harm you. Because of this, it is necessary to plan ahead when scheduling the anal sex and making your way through the 3 Steps. You’ll want to give yourself a few days to heal after both the clear up and the clean out. Plus, you’ll want to give yourself the opportunity to enjoy calming down.

All in all, I’d schedule the anal sex about a week after you begin the enema process. The fact that you went through this incredibly timely investment should be held over your boyfriend’s head for bonus presents next Christmas.